this? is too much like
this and im NOT oKAY.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth. n.t. (via muse)
this is how i love: like richard strauss.
like every last potato chip in the bag is what matters.
like love is a paint i can dip my fingers in
and smear all over the world.
the marks on my chest stay long after you leave,
sweet flushed kisses blooming the color
of heart-meat, the color of wine and old roses.
i see them in the mirror and think: mine.
i see them in the mirror and think: it was real,
your love happened to, with, for my own—
our love had a scent. our love had an altitude.
my bean-body, my creature-body,
the pulse leaping through the milky frog-skin
membrane of your throat to meet my fingertips;
you finding the shapes of me, the lines of me,
like i have a contour, a direction—you building a house for me
to come home to, all ten chewed fingernails,
my two calloused feet.
i am taking inventory. it’s been a hard year
and sometimes i forget to call my mother.
it’s been a hard year and sometimes i forget
to empty the dishwasher.
i want to be brave, i want to drink black coffee
without flinching. i want hushes of grass
and slaps of mud. some grit to weave
into the fibers of my knees.
i am searching now for a sign.
bug-child, dirt-child, child of blood and guts,
child cross-legged on the fishing boat
with a minnow wedged between each finger,
filling the only empty spaces of her body
she is old enough to know about: filling them with earth.
filling them with earth, and death, and command,
fish-slime like holy water, palms sparkling with silver scales.
i am waiting for a lot of things, but mostly
i am waiting to not be waiting anymore. i would love to stop
checking the weather. i would love to stop hating the sounds i make.
i would love to pull the chain on my lightbulb mind
and sit in the cool darkness for a while, swallow some quiet air,
be still. i want to promise trajectory. i want to promise it
was worth it. tomorrow i will sing hallelujah,
sing it into the wind,
every cell of my skin praying for a lighter weight.
cute girls? cute girls???? cute girls???/???? cute girls!?!?!?!?!?! cute girls!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? cute girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!!!! cute girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!